Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Not Neutered, Me time

Today my daughter used the computer a lot. She plays My Littlest Pet Shop, and has a VIP pet, she played on the Arthur section of PBS Kids, and even some reading games on She is good at it! She is so incredibly smart.

The dog did not have surgery. One of his testicles is stuck in his abdomen, and so we are waiting a month to see if the doctor can "pull" it down. If its left there, it will likely become cancerous. If they have to surgically find it and remove it, the neutering will cost over $400! Yikes! Yes, I am actually writing about dog balls. Cutting off dog balls. I should have gotten a discount when we bought Scotty. But, who knows about all this stuff? If I knew he had this issue, we would have picked a different puppy, I'm sure. And, well, even though this dog has been driving me crazy for 6 months, I actually like him, so maybe its good we didn't know. By the way, at the moment, Scotty is looking at the dog in the reflection in the oven door. Why do dogs do that?

I didn't binge all week! I am alone right now, again, and its almost 10 PM, and I am not binging. I am learning that I have to start to take care of myself and allow myself some simple pleasures, if I want to decrease my anxiety, depression,and ultimately stop binging. So, I took an hour tonight, while my daughter played on the computer and son watched a Thomas video, and I read a book, "the five people you meet in heaven". I am wearing jewelry and makeup. I am not sitting around in sweatpants splattered with paint and a stained tee shirt. I had one pudding cup and cup of Swiss Mocha coffee, not four or five pudding cups. I am going to go to bed at a decent hour (like in 15 minutes) and get a good nights rest.

Happy Turkey Day Eve! Goodnight!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I'm not binge eating

Well, since Wednesday, I have not binged. Tonight is sort of a test, since my husband is on duty, and I am alone. And, I am not binging. I binge eat every time he is on duty. Always. If there isn't junk food in the house, I will overeat healthy or semi-healthy food. But, no, I have even gotten in the habit of planing a binge, making sure the Pringles or junk food is on hand, knowing that I will likely want it later.

My counselor had me keep a food diary of what I was eating last week, and I did - four out of the seven days. It was pretty gross, and also pretty typical. But, now I am planning my meals and snacks. If you've dieted, well, you've probably done that. The difference is, I'm planning exactly when I will eat. And, I suppose, when I won't eat. I am good at following rules, so this seems to be helping.

I'm not dieting, and planning meals when I'm not dieting is kinda strange. Will I lose weight anyways? Who knows? I am guessing that I will, because if you cut out full boxes of Little Debbie snacks, bags of dove chocolate and multiple trips to McD's well something good will probably happen to you :)

I am going to read a chapter from Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus Together Forever. Is this my midlife crisis? I'm inching towards my 40's! Maybe- but, its time to get somethings in my life under control and to stop hating myself, I think.

My husband told me in an anxious moment (like months ago) that he wanted our home to be a restful haven. I think my reply was something like, "yah, so do I, and I spend more time here than you!" Well, I do want this home to be a restful and relaxing haven, and it will be, because I'm going to make it that way with God's help!

Friday, November 21, 2008

This evenings random thoughts

We are sick. My DH is the sickest, and is still ice cycling into work each day. I can't stop him. He is coughing up a lung right now. He is awesome, and he bikes 18 miles a day in the snow and ice, on a bicycle! The rest of us wimps who complain as we get into a cold car, should be ashamed of ourselves. My DD has a sore throat, maybe, or maybe she just wants to be like the rest of us. My DS is almost over his cold (no asthma attack!), and I have a stuffy nose, and will likely start coughing again as soon as I lay down in bed.

Why do groceries cost so much when you are trying to eat better? Not dieting, just planning ahead so you don't end up running out to get fast food every other day. I just paid about $300 for my groceries. It had better last us twice as long as I planned! I am planning out my meals and snacks, as well as, when I will eat. The point is to cut off the binge eating. I'll keep you posted.

My dog will get snipped next week. Happy Thanksgiving little Scotty! Scotty, I would say that you will have no idea what you are missing, but I'm not a dog, and I don't have those parts, so I really can't tell you that. Perhaps you will stop humping our legs? I told my DD about the surgery. When our parakeet died this summer, she never shed a tear. She even asked if we would find worms and bugs in the parakeet, if we dug it up. When her gold fish died, she asked if it was in little pieces in the septic tank (ewww, gross!) But, when I told her that Scotty would have surgery, and be away for a whole day- she burst into tears and sobbed buckets! She told me that she would be all alone, and that she couldn't be without her favorite dog! And, that she would never see her favorite dog in the whole wide world again if we left him at the vet. Then, she sat by his cage and told him all about how he would be o.k., and sleep a lot at the hospital. She told him how he was the greatest and how much she loved him. She has grown a lot since this summer!

My DS is 3, and boy can he tantrum! Put him in timeout- and he screams and cries and pounds on the door. It sounds to me as though he is actually throwing his whole body against the door. During this preschool rage, he can't seem to calm down. After about five minutes of it, my DH opened the door, and my son finally pulls it together. All this because he did not like the shirt my DH made him wear.

Me, I was told to look into MINDFULNESS by my counselor. I did, and I won't be doing that. I don't care if it will help decrease my anxiety. I would be having anxiety about trying to be mindful. When did Eastern religion become acceptable therapy? I don't do yoga, and I don't believe in Karma. I think "My Name is Earl" is hilarious, but that's as close to Karma and Eastern Religion as I will get. Oh well, her other suggestions are good, and I think that there is still hope for me. Although, when told to try burning candles to use other senses than taste (like tasting an entire bag of Dove milk chocolate candies in one sitting), note to self- candles that smell like food, make me what to eat food. I did not eat the candles though!

My counter is covered with cans of store brand food which should not have cost $300. This is because gas is getting cheaper, isn't it?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Trip to the Ballet

Last night I took my daughter to the Nutcracker Ballet. She was suppose to go with my mother, two days before, but the show was temporarily canceled due to a power outage. Although I felt bad for my mother for missing out, this meant I would be the one to go with my daughter. It was wonderful! I got to see the joy and excitement on my daughter's face. She had never seen anything like it- the costumes, the talent, the beautiful story. The music brought back memories of band in high school (umm, I can pretend that I played the clarinet that sweetly, and not squeakily).

We prepared by reading a picture book about the Nutcracker. So, my daughter understood the story. I'm not going to fill you in, if you don't know the Ballet, well, google it or something! Her favorite part was the battle scene. The toy soldiers and Nutcracker fight the Rat King, rats and mice. She also loved that one of the ballerinas wore glasses.

The thing is - I relaxed. I smiled and enjoyed myself. This is a big deal. I have been stressed out for weeks, months maybe. I can't seem to get a handle on it. At home, I made a list of what things I find relaxing. Do you know what I came up with? Not many things. Then, I made a list of what I do to relax, but I don't truly find relaxing or enjoyable. The list was so long! I have come up with two truly relaxing things- Water Aerobics and watching a ballet with my little girl. I started going to water aerobics last week- its hilarious! I think these things keep me from obsessing and worrying, because I'm to busy having fun.

There are other relaxing things, like reading a book, or talking to my friend Sherry with a good cup of Joe (and flavored creamer), and watching a funny show with my DH. But, its hard to remember that doing these things helps me be a good mom and wife. Taking time for yourself isn't a luxury, it keeps you sane! I'm not going to break the bank, but maybe I'll keep my eyes peeled for another good show once in a while and indulge a little.