Friday, August 12, 2011

The Early Days

My baby boy is nearly one month old now. Technically, he is one month old, in two days. We are still trying to adjust to his newness. I no longer have a schedule. There is more to get done in the house than is humanly possible, for a mother of a newborn, but we are getting through it all. My daughter has lots of tantrums, and my other son is very clingy, especially when I nurse. My husband and I are quite sleep deprived.

My husband had duty last night, and is now sleeping on the couch. He didn't have enough energy to make it upstairs to the bed. I got up to change 3 diapers in the middle of the night, and nursed at least 4 times. I lost count. I want this little one to sleep in the bassinet or crib, but he will have none of it. He wants to be held at all times. So, he is either laying in my arm, nursing in the bed with me, or laying chest to chest with me, as I burp him. As soon as I lay this sleepy baby in the crib, he grunts, snorts and cries himself awake. Heck, in the swing, he is demonstrating that right now!

So, during the day, I am trying to learn to "wear my baby". I am terrible at this. It is so unnatural to wrap yards of cloth around your body, stick the baby in there, and expect him to settle down. No way. He smells my boobs, and he wants to nurse. If we succeed and he settles down, I get all sweaty and eventually need to nurse him- and for the life of me, I cannot nurse in a wrap. I have no nursing tops. Perhaps this would help. I don't know what to do with all the fabric from the woven wrap or the moby (we are borrowing both). And, I end up unwrapping a crying/screaming infant. Guess how easy it is to put the wrap back on when he is done? Its not. Its is cumbersome, and he wakes up in the process and protests with loud screams.

So, I try to wrap my baby. Yes, I have a cool Miracle blanket, that gently keeps his arms at his sides, so he doesn't hit himself in the face. He hates this. Not the blanket, the hitting. I tried other ways to wrap him, and he always gets an arm free. But, once wrapped, he wants movement or to be carried, or to nurse. In the swing or bouncy seat, I can get a brief rest, and maybe jump in the shower or fix a snack for one of my other kids. Then, its over- and he is awake, unhappy, and ready to nurse again.

Nursing. I nurse constantly. I nurse at least every half-hour to two hours during the day time, and every 2 1/2 to 3 hours at night. I have pumped three times, and he does like a bottle (from dad). But, I would have to not be nursing to pump, or be an octopus or something! When? That's the question. I want to nurse. My other son only made it to 4 months. And, I would have never blogged during those months, because he had colic, and I got post partum depression. It was a dark time. The SSRI I took, sort of worked, but the pediatrician did not want me to nurse anymore. So, I stopped.

He is laying, swaddled on his tummy, on my lap. He loves this. Well, thanks to SIDS, he can't sleep that way, if I wanted to lay him in the crib. Darn it- the one way that he would honestly sleep, could kill him, so I can't do that. And, of course, I want a child more than my sleep or sanity. So, out of my view, he can't sleep this way. The little guy even has a little grin on his face. He loves this position. Who wouldn't? All the gas bubbles are working their way out, and with each toot, he looks more relaxed.

Letdown. No, having a baby is not a letdown. Its what my boobs do. It hurts, and they produce too much milk. They attempt several times a day to drown my child. He gags, coughs, spits up, and screams at my breasts - all while desperately trying to nurse. Its a problem that I faced with all of my babies. I am working on the solution, and he will grow to nurse quickly- like finish in 20 minutes, instead of nursing all day long. But, for now, it is uncomfortable for us both. There are lots more details to this, but I won't bore you with them.

Diapers- cloth diapers are very cool. I need to purchase more supplies. He needs a solution for nighttime. But, during the day, we use cloth diapers, and I really really like them. They don't take a tremendous amount of time to wash. And, they are cute. Prefolds are huge on his bum, and I don't like them. But, the flip stay-dry infant inserts are really nice. So far, the Huggies have leaked a few time, but the flips have never leaked. I do remember to change the cloth diapers - every two hours or so.

I love this child. I adore him. He is sweet and a bundle of joy. I will get through this- but, I can't say that I will miss these days. Because, honestly, with all this lack of sleep, this blog may be the only thing that reminds me of what these days were like. I am so tired, that I will likely forget most of it. I think moms have to forget, or there would never be the word "sibling". There would be only child families. But, we get amnesia. We get pregnant again. And, as the newborn -early days arrive, part of my brain shrieks - CRAZY! YOU ARE A CRAZY MAD WOMAN to have forgotten what this is like. Where is the nanny? You are nearly 40 years old! You are CRAZY!